so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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