Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
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