just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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