i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Randomize
