The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
