Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
