listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You may now shotgun with the bride
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
