my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
