I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
