I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
