his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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