My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
