i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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