I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
