Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
