my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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