Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
