just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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