wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
