i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
