I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
