I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pappa wants mamma naked
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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