are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
