My liver just broke up with me...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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