I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
