Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Randomize
