God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
