Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
