Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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