i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She said her name was "party"
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
