i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
