the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
