It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
