Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
