I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He did a backflip because drugs
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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