I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.