apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule