I have demons in me.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
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you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.