I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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