just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
