I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
