My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
