You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
