There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
