Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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