Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
