Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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