Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
