I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
