I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
