1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
