I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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