Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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