bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
