so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
