Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
