I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
