I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
