is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
