i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
